Its been close to a month since i've left that hellish prison. That place was not only a prison for my body, but also, my mind and soul. My body became worn out due to their unjust rules and requirements. I lived daily in exhaustion waiting for the brief moments of peace and rest. I forced myself to stagger on with little to no sleep or nourisment. Some of it was  by choice, most of it, saddly, wasnt. I wore a mask that hide my bodies weakness well. Only i could feel it being drained. My mind was bombarded with useless information for hours on end. It forced from my thoughts the ablity to think for myself, slowly i am gaining that back. Everything was decided for me. I was but a pawn and my mind surcame to that existance. We were taught, its better discribed as over taxing our thought process until failure. It was conditioning us to be mindless drones. To work and act with out thought just to do it because it was commanded. It was a hive, if any one acted out side their laws they were dealt with until they were broken. Broken and useless, another drone. My spirit suffered the most. I was free once, now i am chained and grounded. My strong will now lies in shammbles. For this i suffer the most. The body, the mind even are expendable. The soul however is not. I am watched now. Hunted, tracked, and stalked. They remain out of my strike zone, just out of reach. But their numbers are growing. They wait lurking in the shadows for the moment my defenses fail me. Then i will be human, powerless. Most of all....I am alone.
    Is this what is supposed to happen to me? Am i supposed to be human, forsaken by god and magik? Am i destined to know the old ways, yet be condemmded to never live them again?

Ello all....
I am here. I am alive. Not dead yet. Even though there have been those that have tried to kill/break me.

I have been fighting legion after legion. Why do you target me? what have i done to deserve this? I walk alone and walk a fine line. Ive done nothing to deserve this. I have been given a job to do. I am to keep peace in the world. Put down those that gain to much in either side. Eveyone that knows me has know this to be my task. Whats changed now that ive become a target? So many back home have been edgy. Have been waiting and wanting a fight to happen. Have i pissed enough of you off that youve gained up on me to seek your misguided revenge? or your due revenge? Why gather armies? Thats an easy one..your not strong enough to fight me on your own. None of you. I can walk through any of you with out a problem. Shatter you with out wasting an ounce of energy. Its because i am a god, you are but pawns. You gather armies and others jump in. They have power with out control. They summon with out knowledge. I have been running on stagnet energy for months now. I have been being drained now for months because where im stationed. ITS STAGNET AND DEAD. It feeds off of those with the energy. It fed off of me. I fought on though. With out slowing, with out complaint, with out staggering. I fought til i was out of energy. I still fought on. I broke something with in me. I gained the gift of metal, i was given the gift of wind. I have perfected everything because of this now. DONT TOY WITH ME.  I have friends..no thats an inncorrect term i called thouse that marched against me friend. These that stand with me now, you all know who you are. You are family. Try me, and my family will protect me. You, nor i, know what they are capable of. I stand amougst others like me. Gods, goddess, my angels. You all will perish. Walk away. Some of you dont even know it yet but my poision is in your viens...FORGET ME! I command it. For then The posion will react. As i become but a memory to you....your spirit will splinter and shatter. That is my curse remember ....im good at what i do. I finally put to rest the final beast youve unleased unto me. He was a demon lord. A god amoungst his peers. I learned i had metal as i watched him/ caused him to get beheaded.


You dont know me
I have changed.
I still am Searan, Searvant, Heero, The Crimson Dragonfly
But i am Different. I am closer to the GOD i am meant to be
Closer to immortallity invincability, invuanablitity.
Try me princess and you will fail.


Also to my family. Remember me.
For Blood Will Sing to Blood....

Control, power, leader. I have some control over everything I am a part of. The part I have control over is the part directly associated with myself. I do not want control over another. Nor will I force my control over them. I do not want to lead but when nescassary I will take the lead and do what I must to protect my family, to help my family, to do right by my family. I dont have control over the whole, nor do i wish for it. It is not mine to lead. I follow... I have power I have great strength. But this power this strength...is internal I can extended it out ward but only limitedly. It is for me for i am my own. I am, because of this strength, relied on. I am not needed but I am there because its what is expected, what is wanted. I can support everyone. I do not pull nor push anyone into or away from a certain action. I support them in there descisions. This doesnt me when i see a flaw or I see a bad choice being made that I dont speak up. I do. But the choice is ultimatly your own. I will stand by it and support it. Its how i am with my family. I know and understand more then i am some times given credit for. This is fine. The less it seems i know the better it is for me. I can gather and learn. I can help everyone else because of what i know and contain.

In the sense of me, the individual i am the Alpha.
In the family, I am Beta but I dont follow blindly. I have my own will.
In the pack. I am protector, scout, and stratigist. .

I'm beta by choice, alpha by design. It may appear differently but the wolf is bigger, stronger, faster then I. I being the fox though am much slier and cunning then the self proclaimed Alpha. My strength comes not from brute strength. I am a brawler, don't get me wrong. I rely more so on my speed and knowledge to get my jobs done. I am the wise one. I am quite yet have lots to say. I speak only when necessary and when something needs to be said. The alphas command yet I bow only to one. For the other I am, shall i be kind? We are equals... I can blend so readily to any environment. My white fur and my beautiful tail are noticeable instantaneously. Sense my motives, sense my thoughts, my emotions. What can you read from them? Nothing. I hide them so well so easily so carelessly that I can't been truly seen. I will hold my position for now as beta. There will come a time. A time very soon when the challenge will be made. I know the Omega will stand at my side, the other beta she will follow the male Alpha endlessly. What a lost soul. The female Alpha, the choice will be hers. I will not make it for her.

I am the quite one
Sneaky I am stealthy and cunning speaking when necessary
I am wise
Street smart  book smart its all the same to me
I am the fighter
Brawler, assassin, destroyer I may be small being only a fox but corner me and see who leaves bloody
I am Arctic
Cold and relentless
I am the Sadist
Seductive remorseless regret-less charming
I am Heero

Walk with me through this journey I am undertaking....

I stand above my field, upon my cliff. I look out at my land and my pit. I am up here all alone. I feel no connection to anyone. I have lost the sense to feel. Every connection I have ever had... Is gone. All is lost. Carpenter, the deadly assassin that he is, the loyal friend. He has forsaken me. His powers.....Lost to me. Searan, my God, My mortal god, my energy, my savior, defender and protector. He is weakened and has fled me. My pets, my animal forms, they too have all deserted me. The connections that I have spent months creating, the spider like webbing I have spun... All of it has weakened and disappeared. My unbeatable fire has been put out. My ice...melted. My lightning.... Stolen from my soul, ripped away. All of my power, my energy seems to have fled me.  Why have I been abandoned? I sit up here looking out across everything that I love, everything that I have protected and tended to. I look past my own creations to everyone else. I see everyone that I hold on to slipping away. I see the shock that has been sent out from me essentially....disappearing. What is happening to me? I stand here in despair. I collapse and I cry. I cry human tears. They flow so easily so readily. The ground soaks them up. I am....human. I have not been human for so long. I have held on to the notion that I was more for forever now. I have claimed to be a mortal god since I was a child. It was the only way I could survive. I held on to my power and had so much control. It has all been stripped from me. Why...? What have I done? Have i changed? Has She forsaken me? My Lord, My Lady....what have I....done? or have not done?

TIme has passed.....

I feel so...sick, lost, and alone. What can I do to change this? I see a vision. I see...my other dreams. The torture and releasing of energy. I see me surviving.  I see my own death. My Final Death. I see me fighting to protect myself and her.  I see my abandonment. Yet....there is hope. I see why it all has left me, why everything has forsaken me. It will return to me. Un-contained, Uncontrolled. It will be more then anything i have ever held or handled. It will be my True Self. My True Power.

Now.....

I am slowly gaining back my Ice, Fire, and Lightning. The rest will come. I feel so sick. My fire is uncontrolled or contained. I am burning up so fast right now. I am being weakened by it. I am being cooked from the inside outward. I cant dispel this much heat this fast.  I got to learn though.....

Is there anyone that understands the pain I sleep with? It drains me, so much pain, and heartache, and death. OH how i die a thousand times over and feel that sharp knife of false hopes every night.

Every night I wake to the vision, the illusion of your silhouette, of your heavenly figure lying next to me, my angel, only to succumb to the pain the excruciating pain and heartache of truth. The truth that you aren't next to me.
 You aren't as close as I envision you to be. I reach out to you, I try to kiss your forehead as you lie next to me in sweet peaceful slumber, but you float away from my touch, shatter from my kiss, and you burst into a fine mist. Leaving me broken, in pained and alone. Always so alone. Alone and cold without you next to me. How it pains me so. Eventually exhaustion grabs me and drags me under its false pretense of undisturbed sleep. I've lost your silhouette. Only to force me to endure the nightmare. The painful, horrific vision of my death...

My death with no escape. I see my self being doubled over as a shot rings out hitting me in the stomach. I whimper an fall with no one there to save me, I lie dead in a pool of my own tears and blood. My own life force and the destructive acid flow from me eating away at my lifeless form with the words  I love you lost on the tip of my lips forever.....
 
The part that scares me... I can feel it all so real. I have a bad habit that if I can feel it almost life like.... It happens

Another old writing of mine, I love finding my stuff....

How long has it been? How long have I, have I been out here? How long have I drifted along in this life a shadow? How long have I been lost to this world, destined to be alone? Has it been so long? I can't tell anymore. The days have blended into night, creating one hellish nightmare. it feels like an eternity that I've been alone, yet I still remember...a time when I wasn't...I was...happy? Yes! Thats what it was, happiness. yet that was torn from me. After that, I was turned away, forced to live as an outcast, unwanted, neglected, and... alone. it wasn't so bad at first, I held on to my false beliefs of being strong enough  to face this world alone. I was, am...a fool. No one is strong enough to face this horrific tragedy this world is alone. It beat me down and broke me. ME, It broke me... I was supposed to support everyone and not show any scarrring, weakness, or emotions. I had hope and happiness once, I lost it. But Its fine... I can make it, right? No, I'll try...I have to try. If i don't, I fail. I show weakness, I fail. How can I be the perfect statue, when I am only human? I claim to be a god, yet in truth I am not, not even close. A god has no weakness, a dog doesn't try. He doesn't fail But I'm not, I am only a human.

I wrote this awhile ago. Finally found it again.....

Fear, death, chaos, my life. People fear me because of my attachment to death. I am a bringer of chaos. Everything I touch, come into contact with falls to chaos. I walk through life a shadow, ever apart of the nightly world of death, yet surrounded by the living. I can walk in both worlds, but belong to neither. People can not explain it, but they sense a dread billowing off of me. They feel a chill on their spine as I glide past. They are filled with fear. Others, are brought to ecstasy with my passing, or a word of my tongue. I force them into temptation, only to fill them with false hopes and dash their dreams. I take what i will and give nothing in response. I am subtle, I am a manipulator of emotions, I create feelings, thoughts, ideas through the torrent and current underlying my words. I've lived this so long I've lost my self identity. Who am I? What am I? Where did I come from? Why do I exist? I fear there is no answer... People clam to have a god... Does He know why I am? Will He answer my questions? Can She? I walk amongst the living a mortal god. I glide amongst the dead an enigma of life. What does it mean? My life is a battle of fury and calm, of chaos and order. My fire, for I am intimately connected to fire, my light, my life is under constant siege by an icy death. Can anyone sense this torment that claws at me from within? Or must I stand alone in this battle unmoving, unyielding, unnoticed, unsupported? Is there anyone who can walk this path with me or must I be condemned to traverse alone? I have given up on happiness. I have forfeited joy. I, now, walk a path of death and shadows, for I am the only one that can...

Blood will sing to blood. What does this mean to you? What song Does ones blood sing to another? Does ones blood sing in harmony to just another? Or is the heart song free for anyone to here? I believe that ones blood sings a song of fate. That fate is connected to one anothers heart song. They are ever a part of you. There fate entwined with yours. Both souls pull and play each other's song perfectly, with compassion and heart. They link together and when they play their songs, when their blood sings to another, the music that spills forth is majestic beauty. a duet t in perfect harmony. It creates a song of love, all those that hear the song fall under the entrancing spell and feel the emotions of these two souls with their songs combined. The song can be seen as a flowing dance, neither making a mistake never missing a beat or step. Their bodies flow like water, smooth and ever-changing. Its an art, an art of love. These souls are captivation, mesmerizing in the songs. The watchers are brought through the emotional changes the performers dance so eloquently through. They see the dance and hear the song and they know the meaning. That blood singing to blood is a song of love, true love. Of life everlasting... 

location: Home music: Three Days Grace- Get Out Alive

Tuesday I recieved a phone call from Wal-Mart for a job interview. I get there at about 1:45, the interview was at 2. I sit around for a bit, then the interview starts. YaY interview Then Taco took his computer. What's up people? ...yeah...sorry bout that ANYWHO...DAVID SAYS HI ( that means you lost the game).  Its the same normal questions as always. Peace of cake. I was watching as she scored me on my answers, I recieved high marks on all of them. After the first interview, she went and found the department manager or assisstant manager. He then gave me my second interview. I got high marks in that one also. Sat around some more, the store manager came out to me and offered me the position. I had my drug test today. I passed that. I was worried about it, especially with the one i have to do this friday for the military so soon too.  I leave tomorrow for my asvab, friday is the physical, and then i come home. Next week sometime i have orientation.
I miss her. This weekend I am supposed to be working and getting $500 for it too. Which most of it is already spent. ..mow.. Anyways... Also slight rant here. I have been helping everyone and doing so much for everyone else. Everyone in this house owes me money now. I'm not complaining nor collecting nor bitching. Its just I am helping more then everyone and gettting nothing for it. I catch the most shit from everyone too. What am I to everyone? I get used and everyone just doesnt seem to care. All I want is one thing, I want to go to her and see her. My biggest fear now is i will be accepted into the military and sent out before I can see her. Yet as long as everyone else is happy....fuck josh.... He can deal with it, he can live with it. The truth is....I can handle it...I know the bigger goals. I know what the outcome will be.  I am doing more for everyone else then I am for my self. Why do I have to be so giving and caring? Why do I have to be the one to step up and help everyone one else when I am the one thats left behind when everything is all said and done?  I am on the verge, the brink, of breaking down and collapsing, but i wont, she needs me to stand strong. I will, for her I will do anything.
I feel like i am being drained and ripped apart, piece by piece, strip by strip, I am kept alive though. I am chained to this wall arms are spread out so all my wieght is hanging on my shoulders. Beneath my feet, there is a small out cropping of rock that is slowly crumbling, All around me is a sea of fire and flame. The heat is unbareable. But I manage to hold on to it due to the fact that I am Summer, I am Fire. My eyes glaze over and go deathly black. Acid seeps down the rock face burning and stripping away the flesh and muscle on my back.  It burns and it hurts so incredibly much. I can handle it, I hold on to her image to get me through. The rock beneath my feet falls i am held up by my arms alone. I use all my strength to keep me steady. I feel the muscle being pulled away from the bone, the ligaments tearing. I hear a voice, ." all you have to do is let go and give up, just give up on her, on yourself, and bow to me, then this all will go away".
I roar out, "You can kill me, but you will never break me."
From out of my eyes and core of my body a blinding light is emminated....
I dont know how it ends, but i feel the pain so intamialy. I just want her, and thats all that keeps me going
~this is a dream/vision/ occurance the last few days~

I am home now. I went out searching for a job today. I put in a couple applications and everything at places that are hiring like mad.  So once again I am trying and doing what is needed of me. With that being said....
I have people all around me. Im sick of having them here and all about. It just makes it hurt more having people around yet still I am all alone. I know she has noone or anything down there. I just want to come see her and make this lonliness stop. For both of us. I love her, I miss her, I need her... I dont need her because Im selfish or because I am all clingy and such. I need her because i love her. With out her near i slip back into the person i was before, cold and alone, yet i have hope. I know she will come back to me, but  how long does this seperation have to endure? Yes, I know in basic, I wont have the contact. Yes i know in Tech school I wont see her. And I will miss and love her more and more with every passing moment. There is a possiblity of me leaving so soon, yet I cant see her. The reasoning I get is because I'll do something stupid. That reasoning is pissing me off. It seems like no one trust me to be able to control myself. Or that they trust me at all. I get asked where and what i am doing every step of the way....because i might do something stupid. Thanks for the trust in me, thanks for believing in me. You say you know me, you know what I will do before i do it. Then you should know that I wont fuck anything up short term, when I know the goals that she and I have set before us. Why would I do something so stupid?
I miss her i just fucking miss her. I love her so incredibly much. Dont you see that? This all revolves around me loving her and caring about her. Yes I am taking care of myself. But she is mine also. I am trying to take care of her also. Not because she wants me to, nor needs me too, but because I love her. I want to go see her, and I can play nice. I know the rules of this fucking game. Yet its not a game! Its life we are dealing with. Not some board game or video game. There is no reset button. But we have to play by the fucking rules? I know the "game" I lived it.
If I could see her, i could bring her home. We could be happy, yet the thing is.....everyone is too caught up in themselves to give an inch to us to let us do anything. It could all be worked through if someone would give in a little and stop being so fucking stubborn. We are playing YOUR game now. Give it time, and you will all be playing by our rules. Trust me I know how to rewrite and break them. I have lived through this all to many times. You say your protecting me. By hindering me from getting to her, you are hurting her and not protecting her. Which is killing me. No one sees it, I can cover my emotions better then you think. I have kept things locked away only to show it to a select few...her....she has seen the true me. You see the false pretense the false face and the mask I wear so well.

I love you, I understand, and I know. I have to play by the rules. We both do....give it time love. The game will be ours.

mow
This sucks. It really does.  What have I done? I haven't listened apparently... what else is new. I miss her so much, I just want to go see her visit her. I want to stop or at least surpress her lonliness. I want to know she is safe and everything, just want to see with my own eyes. I love her, I do. All I did was ask to go see her and I get told no for this reason that reason and another. Okay, fine, I can live with that. Then today, she asked again to see if I could come down so her mother can meet me and approve of me as her boyfriend. And if she meets me and sees how well i am and how im doing and everything. She will let her come back up sooner. Then I'm also trying to get my stuff for the military taken care of. I've been taking care of my shit. I've been filling out my security clerance information the last 3 days and its been taking me so long because people are dragging there feet when it comes to helping me get what I need. Dad sees it as me failing and not doing what I am supposed to when in fact what i am doing is taking responsiblity for me and getting done what I need to. I went to go get my birth certificate today since my mother dropped the ball on finding that for me.... I couldn't find it.. I searched for dam near 45 minutes for it and I couldn't find it. I need it by next Friday. Then I've also been looking for a job, and listening to Dad about different things to try to get a job and I have been doing it. I am now the only one with out a job, yet next Friday, I find out if I am in the military or not. Dad is still pissed about the way I am handling it because I did not listen so many months before. Which I admit, I didn't. I did not have to then. I was young and stupid....I was being a kid, and thought I had all the answers, but I didn't, still don't. But I am trying. I am listening even though they don't see it as I am. I am taking care of everything and everyone. I am responsible for myself, yet also everyone and everything else, because someone has to or else shit wont get done. 
Also, I have been taking care of everyone and doing everything I can to help them get there shit together. I have helped everyone and have nothing to show for it. I have given out everything I can and then some...and when I need something, or want anything done or need help....I just get ignored or cast aside, but I don't say anything because i can handle it by myself, i have for far to long now not be able to do it on my own. Now I have someone i can depend on, I have someone that will catch me when I fall, and will love me. Its all I need. She cares about me and will follow and support me, I've never had that from anyone, yes I have my family now, but they seem to be casting me aside as of now. I don't know......
I need to be reassured I am doing the right thing and that I am justified in my choices and actions

This encompasses a number of evenings, and nights.

It starts about 9:30-10o'clock. I am upstairs just sitting there watching T.V. or what ever else I feel like doing. Then it hits me... The first night that it started. My body started twitching and tensing up like it usually does when I am being attacked. I snarled and pulsated out a small burst of energy. That pulse help him...her ...it off for the time. I went to bed, I saw the eyes, glazed over and heartless they appeared through the trees in my field. They were black, no, black is an understatement, they were void of light. Any light that shown upon them was swallowed into its abyss. I was sitting in my field meditating and soaking in the moon light. I kept getting pulled out of my concentration because I felt someone was watching me. I need to finish my meditation, I need to finish re-amping, revitalizing my systems and energy. I send my panther out, separate him from my body and let him wonder about. Also, I call my pet back from his charge protecting ..a friend, names are not needed. She will be fine with out him for a time. They both search out for this intruder. My meditation goes slow and unfinished, I let my self become too distracted because of this intruder into my sanctuary....

Next night, same time.

I am sitting at the computer trying to get ring-tones before I go to pick Pat up. The twitching and tensing starts again. I try to ignore it, and let it go, I try to hide in my shroud until I am alone and can deal with this, this.....annoyance in solitude. He is persistent. I spread my wings and explode from the ground. I spiral up ward with my beautiful wings of pure white light encasing deadly smoke pulled close to my sides. I look like a shooting star as I blast sky ward, as a beacon to drag this intruder out to me. Once I get to an altitude where I can see over my whole sanctuary. I stop the ascent and throw my wings open. As they open up my wings cast off a shimmer of what could be considered small stars falling back to earth. I do a slow rotation calling out..." I know you are here, what do you want with me..." I notice movement darting from tree to tree and out into the open, then straight up. "Who are you?"  He stops in front of me about  30 feet away. He is dressed in all black, skin tight leather, and a black vest everything polished as to make him appear one with the blackness. He spreads his wings. They are black feathers, I have seen these feathers before. On a body who has lost it's soul a black feather is found. It is the mark of a Soul Reaper. The black feathers of death gave him away. What I didn't understand is who has enough influence, enough power to hire this mercenary of death. Who wants my soul utterly destroyed? I speak to him "Who are you? Why have you come here?"
"I am the destroyer of souls, of lives, of worlds. I am a soul reaper. I reap the souls of those that have been condemned. Those souls marked to be destroyed, not to live in peace or torment, just to become non existent, I am sent to do this job.
"Why are you after me? My place is already guaranteed and reserved. My soul is pure to the sense that I walk the line in between Heaven and Hell yet belong to neither. You have no business here in my Sanctuary."
"I am a mercenary. I have been hired to kill your souls and your body."
I interrupt..." You can not kill me, nor the others. I am Searan, I am you God. Carpenter is a far better assassin then you could ever be. And the human we are attached to...He is stronger then most. He hold our power with him in his mortal life. You can not harm us, can not touch us, can not defeat us."
"I am the assassin that has been here before you were created. I was the first, I am the best. No one has ever beat me, I am sent to harvest the toughest souls, the blackest and deadliest. None have resisted me.
"What is your price? Who hired you, what is your payment if you are this powerful?"
" I will be paid for in your power and energy, all 3 of yours. Who hired me, that is not for me to disclose."
"Why destroy me?"
"He wants your protection to be removed from the girl." He points over past my Sanctuary into another's. The place is a beautiful forest.
I glare at him " My protection is in place, nothing can remove it."
"Remove the source, remove the protection."
"I will not let you..."

At this point I pulled out, I had to go get Pat.

Last night, I finally went to bed.
It started up at the point I pulled out. He had me at sword point. Pure silver blade, plus it was imbued to cut into the soul and scorch it. I grab the blade at my throat.
"If you want to keep this blade remove it. NOW!"
He presses harder, I pulse out a small amount of lightning and light energy. The blade spider webs and shatters in my hand all the way to the hilt. A black widow appears in the hilt. The blade can not be fixed nor remade. If it is attempted, my poison will seep through all who touch it, burning there souls and eating away a small portion of there energy and power, transferring it to me. I cast away from him.
"Do you really want to pursue this? I will destroy you."
He creates duel swords out of his feathers of pure death. He wishes to finish this fast. Hes going for the final cuts. I put a layer of Ice over my whole body, and then call for my darkest fire. The black flame covers my arms and creates swords of pure fire and light in my hands, which have lightning pulsing around them. We fight on and on, exchanging blows and cuts. I use my wings to bind his arms, I then cut his hands off and keep his feather swords.
"Now, I will let you live, if you can survive this..." Still having him bounded, I dissipate my weapons and protections, I pull my whip sword from my belt.
"This blade cuts to the soul, and inflicts the pain that you have caused from birth. Lets see if you can withstand your own injustices." I flick my wrist which uncoils the blade from its straight sword form. I make a whirlwind out of it and then cast it at him. It binds around him from head to toe, then it starts to tighten and cut deeper. I let him twitch and writhe in his own pain and doing. I pull the whip back.
"Now go back to your employer, tell them you have failed"
For added insult, I take my fire and sear off his wings, he is left with stumps to remember that he had fail in his attempt.

So...

I was sitting here the past couple days trying to figure out how to pay for college. I saw absent minded-ly the students in uniform walking past. I walked past the ROTC signs and thought nothing of it. Then it came to me, like a thought or idea, that has been festering and feeding trying to break through for quite sometime. Why don't I join  the military? Join the reserve, that will pay for my schooling. I proceeded to ask Sis her opinion of the idea. She asked the normal questions, the who, why, what, when. I then told her...

It will pay for my schooling 100% of the tuition. It will look good on a resume and also give me health benefits. I will learn things and see things that i wouldn't any other way. It will be good for me in the sense it will teach me discipline and respect, control also. I will get a sign on bonus and still be able to go to college. As I gained information though, i realized some of my thoughts were flawed. I will have to go away for about a year for basic training and tech school for civil engineering. After that I can be stationed, here in Milwaukee or Madison and attend MSOE and get the degree ..the degrees I want. I will have my schooling paid for and have benefits. Active duty is an option for me, its volunteer work, not forced. Yes i will be gone for a long time. I will change in my time away from everyone. But i will not forget nor leave any of you, You all are my family. I love each and every one of you.

Then after I talked to family about it, I told Megan, I told my darling, my love, my beautiful Megan my ideas. She approves, she will stand by my side through it all. Even though I won't be close, she will be there for me. That helped me. That made me happy, to know she cares that much about me, she will stand by me through everything. I love her. I honestly do. I trust her too, which is hard for me since I've always had trust issues. I am certain though that in a years time, she will be there for when i get off the plane and come home...she will be there waiting for me. She will always be there....

I have a moment between classes. Before I start on homework, I want to get this down on....E-paper.

I ran to the edge of the forest, its about the twilight hour. I look out  around me, the forest ends abruptly leading into a sandy beach. I walk towards the waters edge and glance out. Its calm, peaceful, inviting. I stand on the edge allowing the water to wash up to my ankles. I stand there and stare out, dressed only in my cloak. I look up at the moon, that bright shinning orb of glory, I start to soak in its majestic-al rays, it warm light of empowerment. As I stand in the water and soak in the light, I feel all the negative energy, the darkness, the dismay, the stress, everything that has been clouding my mind and judgment seep out of me into the water. The moon fills me with the strength that I use the energy I have coursing through my veins, every time I claim immortality. As I soak I gain back my mark. My eyes become a ice blue, glazed over in silver. A teal-ish, moon-ray blue crescent covers my eyes and swoops downward like a mask. Then a noise occurs breaking my serenity....I glance over and see nothing. But at this point I am no longer myself, i am standing on the beach, naked and as a child, staring at my mature self and I am entranced by the eyes... He, I, do not see my self. But I know.....something has changed with in me....something.....is not the same.


~side-note~ I need to go to the lake, I need to be cleansed and de-stressed. I need to be healed.

Last night I did not sleep well.  I kept walking up every few hours or so. It felt like ti was every other minute. But this is what was waking me...

As I lied there I kept be awoken every so often. As i slept though I dreamed, I was following, chasing someone, someone close and dear to me. I couldn't tell who it was though, and that bothered me. I kept shifting forms, some times I was running, naked through the forest after...them. I could never catch up no matter how fast I traveled or tried. Then as I approached them, I would wake up lost and confused, looking around I reliezed I was in my dorm. Slowly I'd fall back to sleep, then I would be my Hawk, flying high above my pasture, watching the tall grass sway. I would notice movement, then I would sense who it was, but I couldn't pin point who it was. I would fly over head as they ran but as I dove towards them to see who it was.... I would end up hitting the water. As I pummeted into the water, I would wake up. I would be dazed and confused again, slowly falling back to sleep, now I am my wolf, running in an unfamilar place. Still I would chase them, not knowing where I was going. Then as I got closer I was violently thrown from the dream state to being awake. Finally, i shifted into my power animal, my panther, I was in my pit, chasing them deeper and deeper. Still I did not know why or fully who. I followed and then once more I was violently thrown from dream into an awake state. Finally awake, I went to go start my day....

So today was a day of first. First day of college, first post, i made a face book.
College, lets start there, I had 3 classes today, they all seem pretty fun and easy. Calc is a review for me, so thats gonna be a cake walk. Then i had composition,  I dread that class because in truth, i am not a writer. I can speak and type well enough, but when it comes to grammer, puncuation and the mechanic of writing i fail. I hope to learn to write and to become a better writer because of this class. The teacher for it though is monotone, so i have to be even more diligent of a student as not to fall asleep or zone out. After all that I had intro to AE and CM. The teachers that I have for that seem pretty cool. I think I'm going to enjoy that class the most so far. Lets see how this goes though.
    I really am starting to like this college thing, even though it is my first day.
    On the other side of things, i miss my family. I miss everyone thats apart of my family. MY family family, My amazing wonderful girlfriend. My rennies, everyone from Jacks, i miss Faire too. It seems so strange to be apart from them. I acctually been this far away from home for quite some time. The freedom is exhilerating, but the lonilness is ....over bearing...